Deconstruction: A Journey of Learning Boundaries
I'm an enneagram three - which, if you don't know, is the kind of personality type that is somewhat shape-shifty. My superpower (and my downfall) is that I can walk into a room and after a very brief interaction, figure out immediately what each person would like from me; that guy over there? Wants to be acknowledged briefly, then left alone. That woman on the couch? Wants a buddy to have a cosy chat with. That dude wants me to notice his cool outfit, while that person would like to be a part of a lively back-and-forth.
Having this kind of personality meant that growing up in church spaces, I was hyperaware of what I 'needed' to do and say in order to gain approval. Combine that personality with the kind of religious environment that clearly laid out the required actions to belong, it was the perfect storm for a lack of personal boundaries. I should empty my bank account and place it all in a trailer to support a youth conference? (Yes, this actually happened). Okay then. I should miss family events and special occasions because I have a leaders' meeting? Of course. I should drag myself to church twice on a Sunday, regardless of whether I'm sick or exhausted? Absolutely. I should keep my hurt and sadness inside, because it denotes a lack of faith? You got it.
As I started renegotiating my faith, a big element of that has been giving myself permission to have boundaries - especially boundaries without guilt. Even up until fairly recently, if I didn't have a totally legit reason for not being in a service, my inner critic would be chastising me for not being there. Thoughts like, 'I'm going to miss out on opportunities if I don't force myself to go' or 'People are gonna think I'm flakey' would poke at my mind.
For some personality types, boundaries are the easiest part of the deconstruction journey, but for others of us, it's a new world. Simply being aware of this can help as we create space around ourselves for our exploration; providing a safe container for processing, and giving ourselves permission to say 'no' without equivocation. Despite the patterns you've been used to in a religious environment, you are a grown adult with agency, and boundaries are one of your most useful tools.
As always, I'm here if you'd like to talk through or process your experience with church life and deconstruction. Deb x
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