Finding a Church After Starting a Journey of Deconstruction
Once I started pulling on the thread of deconstruction, it started a process of unravelling that has continued for over 20 years. At the start of my journey, I was a worship pastor, working for an evangelical church. Now, I attend church every couple of weeks. Sometimes when I attend services, I am relaxed and enjoy the vibe. Other times, I feel wary and on-guard. I recently attended a service where they asked everyone to pray for someone near them and I was suprised to find myself in flight mode, wondering if I could get to the door in a way that wasn't too obvious (spoiler alert: I didn't make it to the door and had to stand awkwardly with an older woman, praying a wooden prayer and wishing myself anywhere else).
Being part of a church when you no longer accept everything said as gospel (pun intended) can be quite disorientating. I liken it to a visit back home when you've been away for a while. I'm a Kiwi living in the States and make it back to New Zealand roughly every two years. When I land in my home city, I get transported into a time warp where I'm young again - everything around me giving me strong signals that has my brain believing that I'm in my 20's, living at mum and dad's. In the same way, a process of deconstruction causes us to step back and scrutinise the things we simply took as truth, but stepping back into a church environment can create an odd, almost out-of-body experience where everything is SO familiar, but we're not the same person we were last time we were involved in a space like this. Trying to separate what we think and feel now in the middle of such strong reminders of what we used to think can be super unsettling.
But let's just say, you, like me, are still (for now, at least) interested in being connected to a church. What do I look for in an organised religious setting post-deconstruction? (Please note, this not an exhaustive list, and some of things will not be relevant to you - it's based on my experience).
Many people sharing the microphone
Women in leadership
Low-key about giving and finance
A feeling of realness and authenticity (i.e. it feels okay to be myself in the room)
Not performative
Not shiny and 'happy'
Sermons don't have '10 keys to this' or '7 ways to that'
There's not a discernable 'in' crowd
People aren't yelling 'amen' throughout the whole sermon
Space is left in the service for quiet reflection
Whoever is speaking doesn't represent themselves as having it altogether
Babies and small children are welcome to make the noises that babies and small children make
Things don't feel overly curated
Notable lack of church merch
And maybe you just need to hear that it's okay to still want to be a part of a church; there's not a lot of spaces left in society that create the feeling of community that churches do. It's possible to hold on to your curiosity and questions and mystery, while still investing your time in a space that may not 100% match those values (although, the closer you can get, the better).
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