I think I might be a covert deconstructionist...
You sit in church week-in and week-out, you smile and nod at people, serve in various ministries, but in the back of your mind, you have questions. Is this what Jesus meant when he talked about church? Does the bible really say that about women? Is this just all a performance?
There seems to be a misconception that deconstruction is an arrival point and a break with faith altogether, as in, 'I've deconstructed and now I'm no longer a Christian'. But the reality is that the journey of renegotiating faith is just that - a journey. I was working in a church as a worship pastor when I started questioning some of my adopted beliefs. A few close friends led the way, and I remember feeling like, 'Can I really question this?' It felt freeing and exciting and slightly rebellious (and if you know me, you know that I have always been a rules girl at heart!).
The beginning of this excursion is most often undertaken while still well-entrenched in the church space - and it may well continue down that path. Examining the faith structures that have been handed to you doesn't necessarily mean that you're walking away from it; it just means that you're no longer just scooping up whatever you're being served without question.
So, if you're still imbedded in church culture, why does it even matter to acknowledge that you might be deconstructing? (Good question). If we don't acknowledge the importance of addressing the questions that are coming up for us, there is a risk that we ignore them or downplay their validity. You see, a whole life is one where there is integration between our values and actions - if there are elements of the communities we are enmeshed with that are significantly misaligned with our values, we can end up living a fragmented life, haunted by the tension between our values and our reality.
I hope that by reading this, you will quietly raise your internal hand and confess to yourself, 'Hi, I'm ... and I'm covertly deconstructing.' Give yourself permission to have your questions, to read about others' experiences, and find safe people to walk your journey with. Please know, you are not alone! Your questions and the trail they will take you on are all a part of spiritual maturity - you don't have to shout anything from the rooftops, but you also don't need to hide in a cave. There are countless thousands that have also walked this path, and many of us are here to support you in any way we can!
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