The Nuances of Our Own Culpability in Religious Harm
Undertaking a deconstruction journey necessitates the critique of the faith we inherited or adopted - and this includes examining the behaviours of those that were in a position of influence or leadership. It's not usually too tricky to point to things that someone else said or did that impacted us or those around us in a negative way. I remember as I started my faith renegotiation, it felt so freeing to finally express out loud that the people I had loved and admired and respected for so long had done hurtful and thoughtless (or worse, intentional) things; removing the muzzle of honour culture was a welcome relief!
But in order to be really honest with myself, which I do try to be, if I was going to critique the behaviour of others involved in those systems, I would have to include myself in that process. You see, I was a worship pastor, ordained in the Assemblies of God and deeply involved in many aspects of church life and leadership. Over the years of volunteering, then working, in that system, I was not blameless.
Under the guise of 'building the Kingdom of God', I used gentle manipulation to get people to do what I wanted them to; things like withholding friendliness or displaying disapproval when people were late to a practice, being less-than-excited when someone said they were thinking of moving to a different city or country, or spotlighting and publicly praising those who sacrificed above-and-beyond (without even considering if the amount of what they were giving - time, money, energy, etc. - would negatively impact other areas of their lives).
I say this not to invite shame into my story, but to allow myself to more deeply understand my connection to these spaces, and therefore more thoughtfully move forward in my spiritual life. When I understand that I was complicit in these systems, I can ask myself why? What was it that I needed so badly that I was willing to treat people in way that I don't condone? What was the payoff for me in acting this way? What did I fear if I didn't act this way?
Answering these questions can also provide insight into why other people in these spaces have also acted in inappropriate ways (please note, this way of thinking/processing does NOT apply to any form of abuse - be it spiritual, physical, emotional, verbal or sexual).
Being able to accept our complicity is a part of our integration, and therefore healing, of these experiences. It helps us to look at systems - not just people - and in doing so, gives us greater awareness and sagacity should we want to consider joining a church community in the future. And while it doesn't excuse anyone (apologies and reparations can go a really long way), understanding the mechanisms of certain systems helps us to see that both we and others have had reasons (however legitimate) for what we have done.
P.s. Once we start to understand these systems and our culpability in them, it can incite a necessary anger and further need to process around how they intentionally create environments that duplicate harm...as always, the journey of deconstruction continues...
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