Help! I'm Deconstructing, but my Partner Isn't...
Ouch. This one's really hard. You've started asking questions, thinking critically about the religion you inherited or adopted, but your partner isn't in the same place as you. Even though we tend to think of faith renegotiation as a personal thing, deconstructing can set a bomb off in the middle of a relationship!
If we stop to think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense. Many of us met our partners in faith-based spaces, with shared beliefs - or at least assumptions of shared beliefs - as one of the foundational elements of the relationship. Having these common beliefs with our partner creates a feeling of security, reinforcing our own beliefs and making up pieces of the relational nest in which we reside. When you're the only one questioning your faith, it can feel like a personal attack to your partner - as if you're critiquing the very foundation of your relationship.
Here's just a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this tricky path:
It's okay - and perhaps advisable - to not share everything you're thinking and learning with your partner. The journey of deconstruction is one of testing the theological/ideological boundaries, and just because you're trying on some experimental thoughts for size, it doesn't mean having to subject your partner to the full runway show.
It's not your job to try and convince your partner to join you in this journey. While it's natural to hope that maybe this could be a shared endeavour, your partner is a grown adult, and forcing the issue leads nowhere good.
Try and remember that this is just as unsettling for you as it is for your partner. While you're asking the big questions, your partner is watching someone they've known for a long time changing in front of their eyes. This can create questions about what else you might question in the future (your relationship/life together/long-term plans), and generally lend an air of instability to what once was simply taken as a given.
Instead of focusing on shared beliefs, which are shifting right now, it can be really helpful to centre conversations on shared values - many of which are likely to have remained unchanged. For example, you may no longer believe that giving 10% of your income to the church is necessary, however, you may still hold the value of generosity. Or you may no longer hold beliefs around the importance of going to church on Sunday, but you likely still value the importance of community and sharing life with others.
If you find yourself in this situation, it can be really hard. But, I have to say, from personal experience, it can also open up a whole world of conversations and curiosity about each other that actually creates growth and depth in your relationship.
If I can be of help in navigating this bumpy road, please don't hesitate to reach out. I'm happy to do a free 15-min phone consult so you can do a vibe check!
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