'I Don't Know' is a Valid Response
I've been in some form of deconstruction for the past 20 years - this isn't a new concept or process for me. But since starting to work with clients in the religious trauma/deconstruction space, I have started posting thoughts on social media as a way to let people know that this is one of my specialities. Naturally, this has meant that I've started fielding questions about my journey, which is to be expected. What I didn't expect, however, is how I feel about said questions.
Coming from an evangelical space, I was handed a script (in some cases literally!) on what I could say when faced with any 'sticky' faith questions from some feisty sinner. This branch of faith dialogue is called apologetics, and it makes my skin crawl. Having clear, pat answers for everything was part of the deal that I'd never really thought all that much about...up until now.
People have started asking me more generally about where I'm at with my faith (do I still go to church, etc.), but also more specific questions about other weighty topics pertaining to life, death, and everything in between (as well as after).
There are a multitude of well-spoken, articulate and thoughtful commentators on deconstruction on social media, but for better or worse, that is not me. I find myself unable to lay out a clear position - my answers are nebulous and undefined and hard to articulate. And in contrast to the clear answers I used to spout regarding faith, it's unsettling.
Because I can't clearly define my position, it feels like I'm wrong.
But as I've reflected, I'm starting to understand that the journey of deconstruction is one of certainty to mystery. Clear definitions of the word 'certainty' easily spring to mind, but even defining the word 'mystery' feels, well, mysterious.
I'm beginning to wonder if mystery isn't meant to be defined.
Maybe I'm not meant to have all the answers.
Perhaps this journey is all the more beautiful for its lack of hard-and-fast rules and answers.
And maybe, just maybe, 'I don't know' is one of the most mature answers to questions of a spiritual nature.
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