I’m having doubts & questions – who do I talk to?

Being a classic Enneagram 3 (hyper-aware of the opinions of others and constantly seeking approval), I’m not totally sure I would’ve started a deconstruction journey if my friends hadn’t. I was surrounded with BFFs on staff at a church who started asking big questions and challenging long-held assumptions, and because it was not taboo to do so in that friendship circle, I too let my brain off the leash.

But what are you meant to do when you start having questions and doubts, but you’re not surrounded by a friendly army of co-questioners? What if your questions feel subversive and rebellious and dangerous?

Knowing who to talk to when renegotiating faith is a biggie. Speaking with a faith leader may lead to an early squashing of your rising doubts or inhibit your ability to speak freely and honestly. Talking with someone also on the path of deconstruction may send your journey in a direction that is not your own. Bringing up these weighty topics with family can be a source of angst and contention. So how does one go about finding support that is helpful, non-judgemental, and most of all gives you the space to explore in your own way? Apart from booking an appointment with me (obviously), here are some questions that you might want to consider before approaching someone:

• Is this a safe person to talk to about any big life issue?

• Is this person likely to be able to hold their own judgement/strong opinions while I’m sharing mine?

• Can I talk to this person without fearing a disconnect in our relationship?

• Has this person proven a supportive and kind ear in the past?

• How likely is it that this person will be able to listen undefensively?

• Does this person understand the context/world I’m coming from?

• Am I reasonably confident this person will keep my confidence?

Due to the complex and pervasive nature of our faith experiences, finding support through our journey of deconstruction is super important. And because for so many of us, religion has been about being told what to believe, think and do, it’s essential to talk with someone who will allow us the space to start exercising our own critical thinking muscles.

I know it can be a hugely disorientating and unsettling journey to be on, and I just want you to know that you’re not alone, and there is genuine goodness on the road ahead of you!

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